Do what you love. Love what you do.
Who's Taking Up Space In Your Head?
In my head were people who didn't like me. No amount of people-pleasing wouldn't touch them. No matter who liked me, I never liked myself more.
I searched for approval left and right - even though I thought I was super independent. My thoughts were riding on the opinions of others.
I had many sleepless nights, anger at little things, wondering where or how I would ever lose weight, and then not even get to the part where I "had" to KEEP it off? And then back to people-pleasing - wondering what on earth you could ever do about so and so and how they treated you?
What if I told you I HAVE BEEN THERE. More than once.
I have kept over 100 lbs. weight loss for over ten years.
Wait. I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me tell you about the Eeyore. Yeah, the one from Winnie the Pooh. That was me. I was happy on the outside but inside I was scared. Scared all the darn time.
I was afraid of being homeless, so I kept myself small. I stayed one foot away from homeless. Once I had no money in the bank and ate beans and rice for a week.
I was afraid of not making friends so I spend holidays and pretty days at home alone. My landlord once asked me, "Have you been outside today? It's a beautiful day." Of course, I hadn't.
My solace was ice cream - at the end of the day. It froze and numbed my pain. My friend was Bluebell Ice Cream by the 1/2 gallon.
My other big thang was gossiping. I loved to criticize other people, but rarely would I EVER cop to it. I talked about myself all the time. And would be so hurt when I found out they talked about me.
I rarely dated and when I did it was a sh*it show. Nothing lasted and everything was weird and I didn't feel good about myself.
In work - I worked and worked trying to prove myself worthy of being heard. I felt a nagging fear of losing my job and no matter how many compliments I received - it was never enough.
I asked, no -- TOLD the wedding photographer to take pictures of the kids not me. I told her to only take photos where I was standing behind my partner so no one could see how big I was. How she took this photo is beyond me.
I got tired. I saw the pains and doctor's appointments by my family of origin. I saw the needles, the procedures, and they primarily stemmed from diet and lifestyle. I started to get scared.
Real scared. I was in my early 30's and riding the "young and healthy" gene was slipping away. My mortality stared me in the face.
I was in a town, on my own and didn't know who I count on. I wasn't the good at making friends (see the part about how I talked about myself and gossiped).
What the heck was I doing with my life? Was I capable of a life a loved or a life to just barely get by? Was I supposed to be to meds for things I could control myself?
I was 306 lbs. Those pictures of my early journey show so much change outside, but the REAL change was INSIDE and the commitment I made to myself when NO ONE was around, saw, or cared.
I made a decision.
I honest don't know where these commitments came from, but I have held them close to this day.
My name is Stephanie and I am here to evict the Eyore in your head and replace it with the mind of a strong woman who knows who she is and where the heck she is going.
It took me ten years, but it doesn't mean you have to take ten years. It took me that long to figure out what the short cuts are.
Be it your high school coach or know-it-all colleague who continually reminds you to "get the weight off," it's time to EVICT THEM FROM YOUR HEAD!
What if the next 100 pounds you lose is right in front of you?
Do what your love. Love what you do.
My mission is to empower and facilitate healing and renewal through the funeral service , music, and mentoring.
© 2020 Stephanie Sherie James